i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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