I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
