The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
handjob tips. give me some.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
