Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I want a musical about memes.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
