The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
