so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
