new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
