By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
