I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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