the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
