my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
