this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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