what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
