i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
