dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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