she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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