i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
