If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
