I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
