Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
