You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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