i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
