Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
