My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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