DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
