Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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