I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
