i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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