He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
