i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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