so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
