I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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