Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
