DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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