Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
