last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
