My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
