Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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