I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
