The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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