The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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