I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
