he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
