For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
