note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
