What a fucking waste of an outfit
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
