Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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