CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
