Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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