Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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